By Chris Easter of The Man Registry
It’s something that every traditionalist will tell you is a requirement for the engagement — asking the bride’s parents for permission for their daughter’s hand in marriage. Many will tell you that it’s not necessary in today’s modern world — but trust us: They’re expecting it. And if you overlook this step, it could be a rocky and uncomfortable start to your marriage.
Sure, it’ll be uncomfortable and maybe a little awkward at first. It will probably be pretty obvious what you’re getting ready to ask. Parents can be intimidating, especially if you don’t have a close relationship with them yet. Fathers and mothers have a special relationship with their daughter and it’s not easy to let go of seeing her as their “little girl.” But if you can muster the courage to spit out the words, we guarantee you’ll feel incredible afterward, not to mention the major brownie points you’ll likely earn from your bride-to-be later for doing the right thing.
Here are some tips for making it all go smoothly:
• Be sure to tell them how much you love their daughter and how you believe that marriage is a sacred one-time bond.
• Re-assure them that you’ll treat her with all of the respect that she deserves.
• We know that tradition mainly mentions asking the father for permission, but it’s a very nice gesture to include the mother as well. She loves her daughter, too!
• Meet in person. This is NOT something you want to do over the phone. If you live in a different state, get creative and use a webcam (we know you’ve got one, you stud).
• You don’t to meet with them at their home or at a coffee shop (boooring). Take them out to lunch or dinner at a favorite restaurant, to a ballgame or an art exhibit —basically whatever will help put them in a good mood and show them how considerate you are.
• Wherever you plan on meeting with them or taking them out, be on time, and under no circumstances cancel or reschedule! This doesn’t exactly make you look very dependable or reliable as a future husband.
TheManRegistry.com Recommendation: If you’re wavering on asking for permission, think about this: Do you want your daughter’s future husband to bypass you and go straight for your daughter? Show your future in-laws some respect by asking permission to marry their daughter. Remember, future grooms, it pays to stay classy!
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Chris Easter is co-founder of TheManRegistry.com – the leading website for grooms. The site offers a unique wedding gift registry for men, cheap groomsmen gifts and a wealth of content aimed at helping men survive the wedding planning process.
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I have to say, I completely disagree with what you suggest in regards to a groom asking the parents for their permission to marry their daughter.
I am getting married this summer, and when my fiance and I decided to get married, it was between he and I, and not he and my parents. I have not been my parents “little girl” for since I was, well a little girl. And now that I am a 30 year old adult who makes her own decisions, out of respect for me, my fiance asked me for my permission to marry, and not my parents.
I look at your post and I understand there is a tradition here, however I feel a very antiquated one. And by no means is the relationship between my parents and my fiance going to get off to a rocky start, neither is the relationship between he and I. In addition, the “right thing to do” would not have been to go to my parents first.
Lastly, when we have children, and if any of them should be daughters, neither my fiance or I will be expecting that whomever they choose to marry ask us for our “symbolic” permission.
From this Boston bride to be, you certainly did loose some major brownie points; way to preserve a tradition that sets up women to not be responsible for making their own decision!